


How To Go From A Fake Marriage To A Real One In Ten Steps

by honeybearbee



Series: all things do go a courting [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 14:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/888184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybearbee/pseuds/honeybearbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo manages to be married to Thorin Durin, who comes with two adorable (terrors) nephews, but only for a year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step One

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt from the HKM: Thilbo, Fili, Kili fake marriage: Gandalf talks Bilbo into pretending to marry Thorin to help him out. Bilbo thinks Gandalf should have informed him that his fake husband came with two adorable little terrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right, so, i rewrote the first chapter because i had some new ideas. also changed the title & the series. more chapters coming.

On April 1st, what Bilbo Baggins expected to do was have a vaguely healthy breakfast, go to work at his little bookshop, and talk to the few customers that drifted in. Then he would close up to have a hearty lunch with his cousin Prim, and then wander around the city, taking as many pictures as he could on his phone until dinner. Finally, he’d watch television before going to bed and do it all again the next day. Bilbo was very set in his ways, Prim called it a rut, but it wasn’t. Bilbo was perfectly happy, honestly.

However, the day did not go as he planned. He did not expect was to have his bell ring at seven am before he had even showered. Bilbo slowly set his teacup down and stood up, tightening his robe belt as he walked quietly to the front door. _It’s probably Lobelia_ , he thought grumpily. _I don’t feel like dealing with her this early._  He peered out the peephole and jumped back in surprise as a grey eye stared back at him.

“I know you are up, Bilbo Baggins,” the person on the other side of the door. “Now hurry and let me in before I freeze to death.”

“Oh please, dear,” said another voice.

Bilbo rolled his eyes and opened the door. “It’s not that cold Gandalf, really. And hello, Radagast. How was Greece?”

“Fine, fine,” said the shorter man, as he walked inside. He walked over to Bilbo’s bookshelves and began inspecting them.

“Hmph,” Gandalf snorted as he came up behind Radagast, rubbing his hands together. He took off his coat and handed it both to Bilbo, who hung it on one of the hooks next to the door. “You’ve just gotten used to the weather up here.”

“You’re just used to the weather in Greece. Now, what can I do for you?” Bilbo asked grumpily as he walked back towards his kitchen.

“Some tea would be nice,” Gandalf said to his back. Radagast giggled. Gandalf smiled at him fondly, walking over to him. “Come now, let’s take off your coat.”

“Oh yes,” Radagast replied, giving his coat to Gandalf, who hung up it next to his.

Bilbo rolled his eyes at them, but set out a cup of tea for his friends. The two older men eventually made their way into the kitchen. They sat opposite each other, with Bilbo in between at his normal seat. As Gandalf was drinking, Bilbo just stared at Gandalf.

“What?” Gandalf asked tersely.

“What do you really want?” Bilbo replied, suspicion ringing clear in his voice

Gandalf sighed and glanced at Radagast, who shrugged. “I need your help.”

“With what?”

“I was contacted by a representative of Thorin Durin.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Bilbo asked incredulously. He had heard of Thorin Durin of course, most people in the region had. He owned the biggest business in Eriador and tragedy followed him like a cloud. His grandfather went mad and died, as did his father. His mother died in childbirth with his brother, who was killed in a mugging and just last month, his sister died in a car crash.

“Thorin needs to get married.”

“And?” Bilbo asked, with a raised eyebrow.

Gandalf shifted uncomfortably. “He needs to stay married for a year, to keep his nephews, then a divorce may occur.”

Radagast coughed lightly, but was ignored by the other two men.

“Um, I’m sure the courts will notice something amiss if that happens.”

Gandalf waved his hand. “Thorin and his people will sort that out, I’m sure. It just needs to look good for awhile. Everyone knows Thorin is hard to get along with.”

“Again, what does any of that have to do with me? Thorin Durin can marry whomever he wants.”

“As a matchmaker, it’s my duty to find the best possible matches. Anyway, Thorin works almost all the time and Judge Manwe is uncertain if he’s a suitable parental figure for his young nephews. He needs someone stable and respectable.”

Bilbo narrowed his eyes as he sussed out what Gandalf was saying. “You want me to marry him, don’t you?”

Radagast laughed into his tea.

“Yes!” Gandalf smiled widely. He placed his cup down and leaned forward. “I know you two don’t know each other, but your Baggins side should throw a healthy amount of stability into the Durin household. And, besides, your Took side would get along swimmingly with his nephews.”

“I’m almost sure that was an insult,” Bilbo huffed. He crossed his arms and glared very hard at the wall over Gandalf’s shoulder. “Is this a joke?”

“What?” Gandalf asked, bewildered. He leant back into his seat and drank some more tea.

“It is April 1st, my dear,” Radagast said, while he slurped his tea. “And Bilbo has every right to be suspicious.”

“No, no, I’m serious. I’ve been through everyone that is single that I have in my files, and Bilbo, you are the best match. Even if it is only for a year.”

Finally, Bilbo let out a big sigh. “I want to meet Thorin and his nephews before agreeing to anything. I need to shower. And eat.”

“Of course, of course. I’ll call Thorin while you shower, then we shall leave. I’ll ask if we can have breakfast with him, so you’ll get to know him better.”

“Fine.” Bilbo stood, stretched the kinks out of his back, and left his friends alone in the kitchen. As he stepped into the shower, he wondered exactly what he was getting into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also wtf is up with the html? i tried c&p & got a wall of text and rich text wasn't much better >:(


	2. Step Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been ages, but my muses have finally come back to me, so here we go i guess.

Two hours later, Bilbo was being ushered into a very large office. He glanced around and saw that while the office was big, it was empty.

_Almost spartan,_  Bilbo thought. The walls were a fake wood and deep brown. The only thing that hung on them were awards that the Durin Company had won. No family pictures or artwork by these mystery nephews. There was no conference table, but there were many chairs strewn about, they only thing that were not neat and orderly. At the far end, was a large desk. Behind it sat Thorin Durin.

Bilbo swallowed and followed behind Gandalf. Radagast had chosen to wait downstairs. Bilbo wished he was with the older man instead of being caught in the gaze of two bright blue eyes. He barely registered the sound of the door opening behind him and three new voices. He felt Gandalf touch his shoulder and glanced up.

“Bilbo Baggins, this is Thorin Durin. And these are his cousins and business partners; Balin and Dwalin Fundinson and Dori Rison,” Gandalf said with a smirk, as the other three men came around and stood behind Thorin.

Not sure what else to do, Bilbo bowed slightly. “A pleasure to meet you.”

“And you,” Balin replied with a chuckle. “I’m the family lawyer, so I’m here to oversee the writing of the marriage contract. If you accept that is?”

“Let’s sit down,” Gandalf said as he sat in a chair nearest the desk. “I only sprung this on Bilbo this morning, as I’ve been through all of my list and this is urgent.”

Balin nodded. He moved to sit across from Gandalf. Dori muttered something and sat next to Balin’s right. Dwalin didn’t move from behind Thorin’s left shoulder. Thorin said nothing at all, just continued looking at Bilbo.

Bilbo flushed and hastily sat next to Gandalf. “I-what exactly goes into this contract?” he asked haltingly.

“Well,” Dori sniffed, examining a large book that Bilbo had failed to notice earlier. “Usually, it’s for life, but this just needs to be for a year.” He looked up at Bilbo with hard, grey eyes. “You’d have to help Thorin adjust to living with those two...children. Make the home seem homey, which Gandalf insists you’re good at. You will be paid of course.”

“I bloody well will not! I’m a shop owner not a prostitute!” Bilbo sputtered indignantly.

“You must be compensated for your time,” Thorin finally spoke up, with a deep, steady voice. He frowned marginally, as if confused by Bilbo’s protestations.

“That’s fine,” Gandalf said smoothly cutting in before Bilbo could get even more worked up. “What else?”

“Mr. Baggins, will move in with Thorin and the boys, of course. However, he will have separate rooms, since the contract is for marriage only, not intimacy,” Balin responded, looking over Dori’s shoulder at the book. He glanced up at Bilbo. “Beyond that, it’s mainly legalese.”

“Legalese?” Bilbo inquired.

Balin nodded. “Yes, making sure that the contract can’t be broken for the full year, unless something drastic happens.” He threw a glance at Thorin, who was now scribbling furiously on papers on his desk. Behind him, Dwalin rolled his eyes.

“Drastic?” Bilbo asked in tight voice.

“Death, usually,” Balin said. He smiled broadly. “But don’t worry, nothing bad will happen.”

“Yes,” Bilbo said quietly. He gripped the arms of the chair, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes and stared right at Thorin. “Before I agree to anything, I’d like to meet your nephews.”

Thorin paused in his writing and looked up at Bilbo with wide eyes. “I’m sorry?”

“Well, if I’m to help you with them, I need to know them.”

“They’re wild,” Dwalin spoke up.

Bilbo shrugged. He had many wild cousins and he was even wild himself once.

Thorin looked at Bilbo for some time before nodding and hitting a button on his phone. “Ori, please bring the boys in.”

There was a long pause before a reply came, “Yes sir.”

The group waited in an awkward silence for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, the doors to the office swung open, smashed into the wall, and bounced back. Bilbo saw a young man with a pained look on his face walk in behind two rambunctious boys. One had longish blonde hair and the other had brown hair of the same length as his brother.

“Uncle Thorin!” the blonde boy cried as he ran forward, dodging chairs and people. He nearly ran into the desk but turned quickly and threw himself at his uncle. The younger boy soon caught up and hauled himself up next to his brother.

“Boys,” Thorin said sternly, but Bilbo heard an undercurrent of fondness in his tone.

“Sorry, Uncle,” they said at the same time. The brown haired boy turned and looked around with big brown eyes. He saw Bilbo and smiled.

Bilbo smiled back. “Hello, there,” he said kindly. “I’m Bilbo.”

“I’m Fili!” the blonde said loudly. He slipped off his uncle’s lap and quickly moved towards Bilbo. “That’s Kili!”

Kili struggled to get down, but once his feet touched the ground, he was quickly next to his brother.

“How old are you two?” Bilbo asked, leaning forward.

“I’m six and Kili is three,” Fili replied, looking Bilbo over. Kili reached up and tugged on Bilbo’s hair. “He don’t speak much.”

“Doesn’t,” Bilbo correctly gently. He picked Kili up, so the young boy could continue to examine his hair. He grunted softly as he soon had a lapful of six year old.

“We goes together.”

“Go, and I see. Well, far be it from me to keep you apart.”

Fili nodded and looked at his uncle, “I like him.” Kili nodded and kept pulling at Bilbo’s hair lightly.

Bilbo glanced around and had to hold in a laugh at all the astonished faces. Beside him he felt Gandalf chuckling and trying to hide it behind a cough.

“Well,” Bilbo said. “I see no reason not to agree. Where do I sign?”


End file.
